On Listening
A counselor was talking about relationships and suggested
a technique for couple to use in order to communicate. He called his new-age
type technique 'The Stick' and it works like this: The couple sits down and
one partner holds the stick for around 30 seconds. Whilst he has the stick he
can talk uninterrupted. When he has finished the other partner explains what
was just said back to confirm that it has been understood and then it's their
turn with the stick.
The trappings are really irrelevant; the main point of this is the repeating back, as this forces the listener to actually listen. In most communication there is no real listening; the 'listener' is simply waiting their turn to get their say. In fact, it's often the case that both people actually agree with each other but are saying the same thing in different ways. I sometimes tease people by saying something that I know they would usually agree with but express it in concepts that I know they won't. Because they don't listen to the meaning but are just triggered by certain phrases they will vehemently argue with me about something they actually agree with.
Listening is an extremely important ability. In fact, if you learn to do it
well it will make you more successful than any university degree or any formal
qualifications in counseling. It will enable you to get on well with people
and to hold down a relationship, or to realise that it is not worth holding
on to. Listening can be taught and the best approach is similar to the one I
recounted - simply paraphrase what was said back to the person: "What you seem
to be saying is…", or "Are you saying that…" etc.
There is a caveat to this. It's easy to belittle something that is important by saying it back. You can remove the emotional power and reduce what the speaker sees as an important problem to a cliché. The aim of this isn't to score points, it's to genuinely understand how the other person sees the situation. I've mentioned many times before about the importance of standing in someone else's shoes. This is a method of achieving this.
